To be fair, I know some people who “follow” Jesus who seems to Super Nice Car This Is How I Social Distance Shirt have little idea of what he taught. Amazingly, many of them go to Sunday school classes where they obsessively study the Old Testament. And Jesus said to them “Do not hand out free stuff to the poor, for it will turn them into lazy fuckers. Instead, I tell you, let them pull themselves up by their bootstraps. I do not care that this is a metaphor for something that’s literally impossible.” I love Al Franken. I know he fucked up and resigned, but he was writing the best political comedy during the Bush years, and we needed it so much then.
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He restoreth my offshore bank accounts: He leadeth me in the Super Nice Car This Is How I Social Distance Shirt paths of avarice for my sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of tax cuts and deregulation, I will fear no corporate bailouts: for thou art with me; thy duplicity and thy propaganda they comfort me. American Jesus is fuckin’ badass, like an old-time Greek god. He loves money, Nascar, football, explosions, beer, and getting girls pregnant then calling them sluts. He’s an utter and unrepentant asshole who sides with power every time, a trickster who lives to sell out the poor and powerless.